Heart on my sleeve

I have'nt written my blog in such a long time, since Steven died.   Writing about it was so raw and painful, I couldn't go back and read it again so I deleted it . As if deleting  the words meant that what I walked through didn't happen or I didn't have to think about it . I even turned off  our Facebook memories, it hurt to much.  

But life keeps going on it's way and when my mom saw that I was going through some sadness, she asked why I wasn't blogging.    I thought about it for a few days , if I was wanting to share so much of myself, because I prefer to be " all in "and honest about the good, bad, and the not so great things I go through.   

Then I got a text from my 34 year old son today - he had noticed something I had posted on my Facebook and in his words he said "  Why don't you think you are good enough for someone ?  Their opinion of you isn't sh*t and none of your business".   I think he was basically trying to give me some tough love while  saying Mom,  you ARE good enough for anyone .    It stopped me in my tracks  , I felt embarrassed that I had let my emotions take such a deep dive and leak all out into my facebook to the point where  my son noticed but also  those who are close to me reached out to me about my sadness too.    Yes, yes I got hurt and let down,  and I lashed out a bit.  To be honest,  my ego got the better of me and I wanted to hurt someone  they way I hurt .   Kev calling me out on it , reminded me of the example I always want to be modeling.   Bad things are going to happen, life is going to throw us unexpected challenges, it's going to break our hearts .   I  get to decide how I  react and manage my brokeness.   I know that I will always chose joy over sorrow, my imperfections over being perfect .  That there is nothing wrong with me  and that the rejection I am feeling is not about a stretch mark or  jiggly bit. WHY is it so easy to find fault within ourselves first  and believe the worst of ourselves  instead of seeing the beauty with in?  The light that radiates from our souls ?     

I don't ever want to hurt someone or make them  feel less than.  I want someone to feel better about themselves for knowing me , even if its just for a little while.  So I went to my Facebook and deleted my sad posts.   I  brought my blog back and wrote this , happy that no matter what or where I am , I know there are people who love and believe in me  and who I am always.  That even when I am showing my vulbnerability and not my best self, I can remember who God made  me to be  and I can put my ego aside and show the Love and Grace that is constantly shown to me, even if I have to take a breath or two and dig deep to find it sometimes.     I will always wear my heart on my sleeve  and remember we all have bad days but there is always good days to come.